Reality Check: Who Wants To Be A Superhero?

Television can be an incredible medium for entertainment and the dispersal of information. When I think of some of the truly amazing things I’ve seen on it - Ken Burns’ excellent documentary The Civil War, which put human faces on the nightmare that was the war between the states; Edward Zwick’s amazing Special Bulletin, an Orson Welles and the Mercury Theater War Of The Worlds-like account of nuclear protesters holding the country hostage with a nuclear device docked in a New Orleans port and demanding worldwide disarmament; Kevin Sullivan’s excellent adaptation of Anne Of Green Gables; Hollywood, the marvelous 13-part documentary by Kevin Brownlow and David Gill; Steven Bochco’s Hill Street Blues; the incredible 80’s ABC news/history program Our World with Linda Ellerbee and Ray Gandolf (which, if you never saw it because you were watching The Cosby Show and whatever followed it, is your loss); and Denis Leary’s Rescue Me, the funniest and most profane look at the lives of firefighters ever on television, to name only a few of some of the truly great examples of television at its best - I feel elated by the fact that I work in a medium that can inform and educate as well as entertain. Then I see something like The Jerry Springer Show and I feel like I need to shower with sulfuric acid to wash the thin layer of slime that seems to be between me and my clothing.

So let’s start with...

THE REALITY SHOWS

There are quite a few contenders in this category, and I do believe all of them can be traced back to MTV’s The Real World, which was/is NOTHING like the real world. It seems to me that most of these shows push the agenda that lying, cheating and back stabbing is the way to win. That must be why they’re referred to as reality shows.

Actually, this one is going to be kind of tough, since I avoid reality shows like the plague they are (although, guilty confession time, I never miss the audition shows for American Idol - it falls into the car-wreck-complete-with-decapitated-body-in-full-view category for me). However, in an attempt to give a fair and balanced overview of the genre (for me, anyway), I’ve watched a couple of them. Well, parts of them. To quote my Grandfather again, you don’t have to eat an entire egg to know it’s rotten.

On the Stupid Meter, the one that registers highest for me is a ridiculous show on the Sci-Fi Channel called Who Wants To Be A Superhero? The idea behind this show is that Stan Lee, the God of Geekdom, gathers people from all walks of life and gives them the chance to become super heroes.

Before I go on, let’s take a look at this premise. First of all, there is no such thing as a Superhero in real life. Second... well, there is no second. The entire point is covered in the first sentence of this paragraph.

The first episode of this I saw was actually last night, and pretty much served as the inspiration for this article. Apparently, I’ve missed quite a bit by joining the show at such a late date. When I tuned in, there were only five contestants left, and they’d already been gifted with their Superhero uniforms. Now, seeing a beautiful, incredibly muscular woman (or man) drawn in the comic book style can be an appealing sight, no question about it. Other than the boot fetish that every comic book artist seems to have, for the most part the uniforms, however ridiculous, look good on the hero or heroine in question because of the way they’re drawn. Now take the same uniforms and put them on average people.

As my niece used to say: “EEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWwwwwwwww!”

From the looks of things, there were ten contenders at the beginning of the show (and God only knows what kind of people auditioned - now that I think about it, curiosity may get the better of my good sense and I’ll watch the auditions if this stink bomb gets picked up for another season) and in the episode I watched, there were only four left. Here are their descriptions and pictures from the official web site:

THE DEFUSER

“Secret Identity: Jarrett Crippen, Police Detective. Age: 38

“Superpower: A loner and expert at gadgetry and invention, his specialty is non-lethal weaponry. His powers include enhanced speed, strength, agility, reflexes, hearing and eyesight. He also has night vision to a range of 60 feet.”

According to geek law, every Superhero has to have a vulnerability of some kind since an invulnerable Superhero would be boring, and The Defuser is no exception.

“Vulnerability: Sensitivity to bright light -- he must wear protective eyewear in intense sunlight. Without them, he risks being blinded. He refuses to use firearms.”

And, of course, like all good Superheroes, he has a catch phrase:

“When the Defuser’s around, bad guys are going down!”

I can feel the cringe right over the horizon.

PARTHENON

“Secret identity: Dan Williams, College department head. Age: 28

“Superpower: Gets his powers from an ancient gauntlet called the Armaguard. Its “Allstone” grants him three principal abilities: super-strength, limited invulnerability, and flight. He can also add other Atlantian gemstones to activate other powers, including a force field, a sonic attack, and the ability to create illusions.

“Vulnerability: Can use only one of his powers at a time, and all his powers have specific limitations.

“Nemisis: Victor Triumph, a.k.a. Victorious -- a treasure-hunter who possesses the second Armaguard and, like Parthenon, is seeking the remaining Atlantian gemstones to increase his powers.

“Catch phrase: ‘Rock on!’ “

Since this is a politically progressive show, Parthenon is a gay superhero, which brings us to...

HYPER STRIKE

“Secret identity: John Stork, Circus Performer. Age: 21

“Superpower: Hyper-Strike is a martial-arts virtuoso who can turn his own sweat into a weapon. He possesses super-strength and enhanced durability and agility. He is able to manipulate his own chi (life-force) and that of others.

“Vulnerability: He is not very intellectual and has a poor sense of direction. He requires nine hours of deep sleep each night, and he sweats profusely and uncontrollably, which can be socially awkward.

“Catch Phrase: ‘Hyper...Hype..¦BLAST!’”

Despite the pose in the above picture, the show already has its quota of gay men, so this one is straight. Personally, I don’t care if the guy is gay or straight, but I feel that I must point out that if this guy’s powers are truly super, I know a few people that can give him a run for his money on that “sweat as a weapon” thing.

And finally, my favorite of them all:

HYGENA

“Secret identity: Melody Mooney, Homemaker. Age: 36

“Superpowers: Once an orphan forced to live in the dirty streets, Hygena now fights crime and grime with weapons created from cleaning tools. Her feather duster shoots ionized radiation upwards of 60 feet, immobilizing criminals (and leaving them with a pleasant odor and a sparkling shine). Her clean bombs cause foes to fall unconscious for 30 minutes. She is protected by a magic necklace.

“Vulnerability: The Wall of Funk causes her to lose her cleaning abilities. Mess, dirt and grime distract her. Hay fever clouds her senses.

“Nemisis: The Dirt Devil, who controls the Wall of Funk.”

“Catch phrase: ‘Fighting Grime and Crime!’ “

Not quite as asskicking as ‘Either these curtains go or I do!”, but then, what is?

Each week the heroes are confronted by an actor playing a Super villain and they get trapped in some kind of “Fear Factor”-like trap that forces them to confront their weaknesses or fears, and then there’s a “Big Brother” type vote where the weakest hero gets the boot. The episode I saw starts with the heroes sitting around a loft when they get to see a phony newscast that intros that week’s villain and tells them that he’s draining electricity from the city, followed by Stan Lee himself telling them where to the crime is taking place. They jump into the Heromobiles and on the way there, talk about what a horrible fate is in store for the world if they fail to stop Dr. Dark, the villain. Once they arrive at their destination, a wide screen television thoughtfully left behind by Dr. Dark informs them how to defeat him and how much time they have to do it in - BUT - he stole their dossiers and knows what their fears are!

Each one of them then has to crawl through a small tunnel and pull a fuse to disarm the weapon. They each have to deal with snakes, spiders, and claustrophobia, but, like the heroes they are, they succeed and are rewarded with a night out at a Mexican restaurant. After meeting fans, they have to bus tables since they don’t carry money in their costumes.

When they return to the lair (or whatever they call it), Dr. Dark pops on up TV again and discloses a few embarrassing things about the heroes’ private lives. They then make their “Mission Reports,” which is the part of the show where they pretty much back-stab each other in order to get someone booted.

The hero who made the worst comment then owns up to it in front of the soon-to-be banished contestant, because that’s the kind of thing a Superhero does. Since this takes place on camera, the hero doing the confessing doesn’t get the kick in the groin I was expecting the departing contestant to give them, which I think, cuts down on the entertainment factor considerably. This part of the show seems to have a pretty wide streak of self-interest in it, as I get the distinct feeling that the contestants doing it wouldn’t dare do it in real life and are doing it because they believe it’s expected of heroes.

The heroes then go up on the roof for the cut, and Stan Lee gets to take them to task of the things they did wrong that week. For example, he dresses Parthenon down for screaming like a little bitch during the challenge, and Parthenon comes back with “I prefer to think of it as a battle cry!” The losers are then whittled down to three and given a chance to beg for clemency. Stan Lee then gets one more chance to point out their faults before cutting one of them and making a badly-written apology.

Not being a comic book geek, I can’t quite see what the appeal of this show is. To tell you the truth, even if I were a comic book geek, I still wouldn’t be able to see the value of this show. The appeal of watching a bunch of dorks (and I don’t feel the least bit guilty about calling them that - Eddie Deezen would call these people dorks) running around town trying to do Superhero type things when they have no super powers at all isn’t entertaining, it’s just sad. The only way these people could possibly save anyone from a crime is by showing up and enabling the victims to escape while the criminals are doubled over with laughter.

I just read some web reviews of this show, and it occurs to me that mine may be the only dissenting opinion on this show. Every review I’ve read mentions the horrid effects used on the show, but, given that the show is produced by the Sci-Fi Channel - famed for their use of the most dismal, transparently awful effects in every show they produce - this isn’t all that surprising, since you can’t overlook them due to the fact that they cruise right out of the TV and punch you in the eye as hard as they can. The reviewers I’ve read seem to treasure the very tackiness of the show, and I suppose that’s a legitimate viewpoint. I can’t very well deny that, since I’m a big fan of bad movies as you well know if you’ve seen my show, Clevelan Classic Cinema. The difference here is that the bad movies I love are pretty much one-shot deals - Robot Monster is an excellent example - so my existence is only assaulted by them once. What I object to is having my senses repeatedly battered by something this awful EVERY WEEK! This is the second season of this idiotic show, and from all indications, no more effort has been put into it than the first season had.

The rather wide streak of masochism I have running through me makes me wish that I had seen this show from the beginning. If the effects in the second season are as bad as they are, I can only imagine what they were like in the first season. Also, there was one woman in the group that actually looked like a female superhero - well, built like one, anyway, but unfortunately she got cut before I started watching.

Now, on the plus side, the show sets a good example for reality shows in general as it employs real people who are into this because of passion and what is obviously a stupendous amount of imagination. This is good; one of the things I absolutely despise about reality shows is how they pander to the worst impulses of humans in general, and this one actually champions the nobler and more compassionate sides of humanity. At the same time, however, it also encourages (although this is unavoidable, seeing as this is a reality show) the baser instincts of the people participating in it.

What I object to is not just the junkiness of the effects and the cheapness of the stock footage used, but the way the show wallows in its cheapness. The very least they could do, since they’re fulfilling the fantasies of the very people who support their empires, is spend the extra couple of thousand dollars and get semi-decent CGI effects done. The way it is, it looks to me as if they’re just saying, Look at this! These idiots will accept anything we give them! We don’t even have to make an effort! � Another thing I object to is the product placement in this show. I know the argument for product placement, that it helps defray the costs of production and all that, but my God, is it really necessary to stick the Esurance girl in every single episode???

As I write this, I’m watching the last episode of season two, and they’re showing flashbacks of the heroes receiving their new costumes. In my book, this isn’t helping Hyper-Strike, since he spends most of the time examining his new costume by staring into a mirror and checking out how his package and ass look in it. Right now, he’s facing off with Stan Lee, blowing his own horn and demonstrating false humility as he tells a story about growing up in Vermont an outcast because of his innate dorkiness, which seems to have given him an inflated sense of worth in spite of having such a painful childhood. Hygena is next, and this is actually kind of touching. She wants desperately to be a mother, but after suffering a late-term miscarriage, is afraid to try to conceive again. She tells Stan that the experience she’s had on the show has given her the courage to try again. The Defuser comes in next and gets upset talking about his sister, who fell into drug addiction and how he wished he’s had a superhero to help her out. This one seems a bit too well thought-out for my tastes, but it looks like it worked on Stan.

From here, we go to Universal Studios where a bunch of people who “just happen” to be wandering around the place (with some obvious plants sprinkled here and there for the benefit of the camera) see the Diamond Vision screens show the last three heroes matted poorly into different lousy movies. Then they ask people back home about them and several cringe-inducing photos of them in Halloween costumes are shown while their friends prove how faithful they are by saying nice things about them. They get reunited with their families for some tearful shots and then, before the final decision is announced, we get their personal thoughts on why they feel they should win. The Defuser says he deserves it because he became a cop, and that makes a modicum of sense. Hyper-Strike is up next, and of course he says it should be him because he’s put so much physical effort into what he’s become. Big wow. Hygena comes up next and hers seems to be the most heartfelt of the self-testimonials, since it’s obvious that she knows she’s not going to get chosen and is truly taking the most from her experience. The Defuser is chosen as the winner. He gets his own comic book and will appear in a made for Sci-Fi Channel movie, which, I’m sure, will turn up either in this series of articles or on my show sooner or later. As I expected, Hygena takes it well, but Hyper-Strike looks pissed off and later whines about how he would have made a much better Superhero. The rest of the contestants then come out in costume (including Basura, thank God - that woman is hot) and Stan sends the winner out on his first mission, ending the season.

I have no doubt that this article will trigger a number of arguments between myself and a number of self-admitted comic books geeks I know, but I look forward to that. I live for good-natured give and take about idiotic subjects.

 written by Nick D'Amico © Copyright 2007